What winds me up?

Lesson three

"The starting point is realizing that letting go is not a dramatic moment we build to some time in the future. It is happening now in the present moment -- it is not singular but ongoing."-Judy Lief

Today, I am asked to reflect on what "winds me up". I have to think about that for a moment. I can think of three things: people, being truly honest with myself, and asking myself is this really what I want or am I trying to impress?

For the past two weeks, I have been on vacation in Waikiki with my partner. What I have learned from this experience is how easy it is to be invisible. I seriously love that no cares that I exist in this world, except maybe the cleaning person, the person who serves my coffee or the cashier - even then it will only be a short impression. This notion of being invisible gave me so much freedom.  I randomly started doing things like this because I know, no one cares. He says your not invisible. I secretly think I am invisible because I choose to be. I am an introverted personality and my job is a lecturer to many students each term - I feel like I am always performing. I crave to be invisible, what does that say about me?

My real triggers are humans, a certain type of personality. In the past couple of years, I have noticed that when I am around certain personalities or people, with strong controlling behaviors, it triggers something in me. This coercive behavior makes me want to avoid this person, such as walk away or hide. I think this comes from having a coercive drill Sargent parent who used rewards and punishment style of parenting. Ugh, in the past year, I kept asking myself about why I avoid these people and the universe keeps presenting them to me. In my head, these people create the most stress for me. Does avoiding help? In the short term, until they reappear and make demands. I usually just ask straight up, what can I do to help you or what do you need and keep it simple. I like to respond with really short responses if it is an email or text. I always hope they don't come to see me and if they do, I try to be pleasant. I am sure the universe will give me more opportunities to work on this. Ugh...

Point two, am I really being honest with myself? I bring this up because I tend to be a people pleaser and try to keep the peace. I avoid conflict and try to smooth over any discomfort. Although my (current) attitude is not to give a "f@ck", I know it usually catches up to me. There other things that I want to say or do, but don't want to rock the boat, so not worth it. Reading the book, "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" by Mark Manson really opened me to this idea, see: https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck

Point three, am I trying to impress or am I really doing this for me? I keep asking myself that? It is really difficult for me to answer this one, but I bring it up because I also made the note, I like to be invisible. More reflection needed here.

I am sure there are a lot of other triggers in my life. I will try to pay attention today to see what they are - going to guess humans!