Reflections on what winds me up

Reflections from "what winds me up"

[A few people asked why am I publicly posting and what am I am seeking, for me, it is about public accountability, an abundance of knowledge in the room (resources for healing and advising) if I can reach someone so be it, and most of all it really helps me.

But first reflections of yesterday...(Lesson two: winding up)

Yesterday, my reflections on what "winds me up" really made me think all day long. I became quite aware of things that nerve me and usually, I ignore these instances, but I will share them here. These are some highlights:

-people who don't follow rules and order (from signals on their car, tossing trash on the road, smoking in public space where it is not allowed, etc)

-people who try to jump the line (at an opening of a restaurant)

-people who have a coercive personality or aggressive bully types

[My reflection, I just want to be a good little girl and follow the rules so I won't make the people in charge angry at me. I don't want to be noticed or stand out because it brings attention to me. I just want to blend in and be compliant. I know as a child, if I did not follow the rules, I was beaten or yelled].

For me, this was a huge realization. I have an internal conflict. I want to comply but at the same time, I want to prove my worth. Ghostly voices from my past haunt me, hearing words like "you are not good enough" or "you will never amount to anything" or "you are useless" and so on. I hear these voices daily, I have tried rewriting the scripts and pushing them away. So today, when I hear them I am going to write a new thought. I will really try to rewrite this script. (I need ideas here people...)

Yesterday, someone posted this in my comments, a link on very useful information on common childhood trauma types. I read through it and it really quite insightful. A short easy read. http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

It was an "ah, ha" moment and it made me realize I am still dealing with my childhood drama and found a way of coping. I find myself trying to blend in and hide all the time. I honestly believe my eating (or over snacking) is a self-soothing way of healing myself or hiding. Hiding in the sense, no one will look at me if I am larger and unattractive while at the same time I like how food tastes and it makes me feel good at the moment (hard to explain), but usually after it makes me feel guilty and feel like shit.

Anyways, coming back to the Pete Walker post, I realized I am self-soothing and I have found a way that has allowed me to protect myself. However, I also feel I want to feel good and live a long healthy life. This I feel will be my main focus for 2020 - healing childhood drama.

I have protected myself by being about 40 pounds overweight. I know my biggest struggle is that I want to be thin, healthy and fit (cliche but true), I have been gifted with an abundant, curvy, and strong body. Although I exercise daily, the truth of the matter, what I put in my mouth is really what matters. So all day, I was paying attention to what I was eating and the triggers that set me off. Was I eating because I was hungry or did something (or someone) agitate me?

Currently, I am on vacation and I think I am eating because hmm, good food available such as Pina Coladas and yummy food everywhere. I know I make an effort to eat more fruit, veggies, lean meat and avoid the snacks - which you cannot do forever, but at least do your best to try and eat healthily. What I am getting at, during my vacation I have been fairly relaxed trying to choose healthily and not eating because of agitation or stress.

Now I am starting to make connections of "what triggers me and my own voices triggering me.

Lesson Three is about shedding layers (how fitting). I will highlight my three questions for the day and come back to them later.

• How I hope to feel as a result of clearing what no longer serves and supports me is______
• What I hope to let go of is______
• What I hope to attract is______

Thank you for reading.