Shedding Layers

"The purpose of life is to unlearn what has been learned, and to remember what has been forgotten."--Sufi Saying

Looking in the mirror, I see an older woman looking back that is considered obese. She has medium length blonde hair, green eyes, with great skin. Her body is fit, but she is definitely what I would call overweight. Not quite menopausal but close, she appears to be absent in thought.

This person is me.

It scares me to look in the mirror. I know I am about size 14 - 16 or xl in clothing size. I don't dare weigh myself because I know my weight is about 220 pounds - if I was being honest with myself. I know I have gained weight based on the reflection of the mirror, how tight my pants feel, how my breasts sneak outside of my bra, and how puffy my face is. Shopping tonight, I picked up a couple of xl tops and a pair of size 14 pants. All too tight. It is no wonder, I am frustrated and feel like I am dowdy. I only like wearing track pants and loose tops. I hide behind my clothes.


"True beauty is in the eye of the beholder, which means that how beautiful you are to other people is always going to be subjective to who is looking at you at that time, and since you will always be looking at yourself first, you should find your own beauty and feel good about who you are." - BeNeca Ward
There was a time my weight crept up to 250 pounds. If you think about it another 30 pounds and I will soon be there. Or a reframe is if you lose thirty pounds, then at least I would be a healthier weight. This did not happen overnight. I have lost and gained the same weight over and over again. Most recently, I was 170 pounds and I felt great. What is different I ask?

I think I am fat because I like to eat and am too lazy to monitor what I eat. I exercise, I exercise a lot. I am a solid swimmer, cyclist, hiker, and can run too. I know that if i am lighter, I can go faster. I know to eat healthier foods and less crap. So here I am reflecting on why I keep hiding behind my weight. In my previous posts, I talked about my childhood trauma and the reasons why I eat (food addiction) and to hide.

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Lesson Three is about shedding layers (how fitting).

• How I hope to feel as a result of clearing what no longer serves and supports me is "healthy, lean, strong, and fit."
• What I hope to let go of is "the stories that I tell currently myself". I want to rewrite this script into positive words of affirmations and love myself for me.
• What I hope to attract is "healthy behaviors, that lead to a healthy lifestyle, relationships, and experiences.