January 1, 2020, a new start to the year and decade. This is the second round for me, I am trying to be as open as I was a year ago as well as proactive. I am open to the possibilities of what might be.
Buddha says "What you are is what you have been; what you will be is what you do now."
Yesterday, I was walking through Chinatown yesterday. Someone was selling amulets. I thought if I had to pick three, I would pick: long life, good relationships, and sports. I chose sports because when I was young, I always wanted to be an athlete (Olympic, Ironman, competitor, etc).
I have always had a love for sports. I remember in grade 7, I came second in track and field running. I watched As a woman in my mid-fifties, I got back into fitness about 8 years ago. For the past eight years, I have been focusing on getting fit again in areas of swimming, biking, running, rowing, weight training, and hiking. I am definitely fitter, but not faster. Last year, I competed in my first half-ironman and finished before the cut off time. This year, I signed up for a full ironman on August 30, 2020. It scares the shit out of me. I also joined the senior's dragon boating team (I turn 55 this year). I am quite strong and built like an ox (strong shoulders and stocky build). Made for the fields my grandpa always says. I also thought sport represented good health, fitness, and mobility. Adding to this, I keep thinking I will add more yoga and stretching.
I picked a long life, I suppose if you are doing it right, you will be happy. I want to be healthy, feel amazing every morning when I wake up and feel energized. In all my experiences, what you put in your body is what you get out. Meaning, you put in shit, you are going to eat shit. For example, last night, two of us ate a bag of kettle chips last night and drank a couple glasses of wine (filled with fruit). The chips were what we called a treat, but it made my throat feel like raw sawdust, but the fruit tasted yummy.
I tried to think of the ailments of all my ancestors. Most of them died because of cancer (from smoking and environmental) or heart failure. Although I don't smoke, I am slightly overweight. Anyways, I wanted to add my grandpa and my grandmother both had diabetes type 2 and my young adult son has type 1. Looking at old photos of my grandma and her aunties, they were always obese. My mom and her sisters are all big girls (ie, 200 pounds plus). Looking at my sisters, we are larger in size as well, and well I think it, I am definitely gaining each year. Not to sound cliche, but this year the focus will be eating whole foods, clean eating, and eliminating those toxins that make us sick, fat, and ill. Not looking to do any fad diets - ugh that is what made me this way, to begin with. Well here is to a new beginning of eating more fruit, veggies, clean meat, and less crap.
The last goal, good relationships. This is really important for me. I am not talking about the current relationship I am in now, but also work relationships and friendships. Last year, I ended a dead-end relationship; ended friendships that were no longer working (I did all the inviting and work); and at work got caught up in the drama that was not really my business. So what does that mean, paying attention to my own relationships and keeping those connections of those that really matter? The hardest thing is letting go of people who you thought were your friends, but then you realize they just used you or talked about you behind your back. Doing so let go of feelings, of not feeling good enough.
I had a shitty childhood, but this is not the point I am trying to make, but rather, I always have this feeling I am not good enough and I have to prove my worth, that I am better. It has made me hyper-focused, competitive, and putting myself down a lot. This negative self-talk is so unhealthy and made me feel like I am not good enough for whatever it is I am attempting. How does this all connect? Well, if you surround yourself with the right people, everything else will fall naturally into place.
This summer, I joined a mountain biking group for ladies and also a mixed group. I made some amazing friendships, just by being "me". They did not know any of my backstories, nor did they need too. Funny, how our backstories, shape how the world sees us. I realize these are probably acquaintances more than anything, but that is ok, my partner knows my story and that validates and gives me support when I need it. I also had years of counselling to try and get over my childhood issues and dramas.
So here I am doing the course again, one year later. The only major difference is that I am going to journal my journey because thinking about my past year has really inspired me and I really think I should be writing a book or at least a blog. There is something going in me, whether it is just an outlet or creativity, it is inspiring me to be more and be accountable to a group of strangers.
In summary, my goals for 2020, focus on healthy living and fitness; reflect and relieve my childhood dreams; and build healthy solid relationships with people that matter. Finally, I will journal and use this group as a support network and for accountability.
Thank you for reading.
"The call to adventure is the point in a person's life when they are first given notice that everything is going to change, whether they know it or not."--Joseph Campbell, The Hero's Journey
